life update #20 (it is finished)

Dennis Yi

Mon, Jan 24, 2011 at 11:32 PM

(sorry this update is rather long and detailed but i write it as my journal entry in addition to an update) HI all,  i hope everyone is doing well in spirit and health. i'm doing well - at peace.  :) THANKS for covering me in prayer and love during my time in northern california and basically thus far in this journey. wanted to bring ya'll up to speed in a little more detail. __radiation completed (8/12/2010)__  bum and leg got toasted (literally...) __broken femur (10/20/2010)__ so, i was hanging out with julia in new york and on the morning that i was supposed to fly back to cali, i slipped in the shower while reaching for a towel and broke my right femur (see attachment).  it's a non-displaced fracture meaning it didn't drastically break in two pieces but it was a bit more than a hairline crack. i didn't think it was broken so i borrowed a cane from julia's bro-in-law and got wheel-chaired to and from the airport gates.  made it back to cali and that night, went to the ER to get my leg diagnosed cuz it hurt BAD (wasn't so bad when i wasn't moving it tho). didn't need a cast so i'm thankful for that. only within the past couple weeks or so have i been able to get around by walking (without a cane) and even driving. yay freedom!  :) __pet ct scan (11/19/2010)__ got the full body scan done and the results came up positive meaning that there were areas of concern in my right leg and pelvic area (see attached).  instead of a single big tumor, there were what seemed to be several small tumor sites. __biopsy (12/6/2010)__ my oncologist ordered a biopsy to be done in an area where one of the small sites was.  the pathologist diagnosed the tumor as the same cancer that was in my left and right legs - soft-tissue sarcoma (myofibroblastic cells). the docs suspect that instead of a recurrence of cancer, the tumor sites are residual tumors- meaning that the 2nd surgery and radiation in my right leg didn't take care of all the cancer (to the surprise of the docs because my treatment was assumed to have zapped the cancer away). my radiation oncologist says that giving me more radiation in my leg/pelvic area would not be recommended because the tissue in the area has already been fried too much and it wouldn't be wise to fry it some more. my chemo oncologist says that there isn't any known chemo treatment that effectively kills my particular cancer so if the surgeon recommends it, my oncologist would give me a "general" chemo treatment.  :O the docs then started the process of getting me to see an orthopedic oncologist surgeon (in the orange county area). __redding, ca (1/6-11/2011)__  the reason why i decided to go to redding was for the following two reasons: 1)  to commune with God (through worship and prayer and being 'still' in His presence) 2)  to see if God would heal me before a 3rd possible round of surgery so, i walk into the healing room and i see a lot of people-  some holding their lively instruments on stage, some dancers who were worshipping with their graceful movements near the center, some volunteers with name tags praying for people all around, and some even painting on canvas (in worship) near the middle, and a lot of people who were sick in some form or another all dispersed throughout the room- some sitting, some standing, and some even dancing. the longer i stayed (after an initial "adjustment"), the more i was at peace being in this "environment". i saw life and laughter and joy and peace, and, i rationalized (after much thought) that it's only the presence of the Holy Spirit that can bring about these attributes amidst all of this disease (spiritual, emotional, and physical). so i sit down on a chair situated on the outskirts and i wait.  after 10 or so minutes, a volunteer sees my sheet of paper (which has my name and ailment written on it) and proceeds to ask if i have been prayed for and if i wanted to be prayed over.  nope and yes, please.  :) as she begins to pray over me, she sees a fire of healing go through my body.  after the prayer, she asks if i felt anything.  i think about it for a few seconds (with some self-assessment) and tell her kindly that i did not feel any different. she said some people might feel something and others may not and that healing could take some time (which i accepted).  i cordially thanked her and sat back down. a few minutes later, two other guys came up to me and asked if i had been prayed over and wanted to receive more prayer.  yes and yes! as one of the guys started praying over me, he asks me what i wanted prayer for.  i think about it for several seconds and say, "well, my family and friends want me here for healing of my cancer, but.... if it were a choice, i would ask that you pray that i would have more intimacy with God". this guy named "jacob" then walks me through some questions but he first asks me to close my eyes and imagine jesus: (not verbatim but the gist is here:) jacob:  is jesus here? dennis:  yah jacob:  do you know that jesus will never leave you nor forsake you? dennis:  yah jacob:  do you know that jesus loves you? dennis:  yah jacob:  what does jesus look like? dennis:  i see him on the cross.  he's all bloody and beaten and his face is all bloody... and he's wearing a crown of thorns. jacob:  what does jesus say to you? dennis:  (jesus looks right into my eyes and says) "This is how much i love you". ^^^ at this point, i'm crying because it's one thing to read about jesus' death for me but to hear it from him directly was a whole different personal experience. jacob:  (while i'm still crying),  this is intimacy... dennis:  ... (crying; sucking up of snot; blowing of nose; sniffles)... jacob:  what does jesus say about the cancer in your body and healing for your leg? dennis:  jesus says, "It is finished!". ... jacob:  now i want you to imagine you sitting on jesus' lap. jacob:  what do you want to say to jesus? dennis:  "Daddy, it hurts!" jacob:  what does jesus say? dennis:  he says, "I know". ... jacob:  (jacob kneels down and then starts praying over my leg). dennis:  i now see myself (as a child) on a table and jesus (daddy) is tending my leg and healing it dennis:  i now see jesus carrying me in his arms jacob:  ok, what do you see next? dennis:  i see my daddy and i running together, hand-in-hand, just laughing and playing.  there is so much joy. dennis:  i also see us at a playground and there's the same playful atmosphere and i'm with my daddy. we're so happy. jacob:  do you see anything else? dennis:  i'm now a teenager (or young-adult), and i see me and dad throwing the football around. dennis:  (at this point, i'm not crying any more, but am at peace)... i received a third and final prayer by another couple of prayer volunteers. the results were pretty much the same as the first prayer in that there was a prayer of healing but i didn't feel anything (not to belittle it tho).  :) i walked out of the healing room with a "glow" if you want to call it.  i was refreshed and at peace. the message that God gave me was that i AM loved beyond measure and that the work to restore/redeem my broken/physically-diseased body was already done on the cross and payed for by his own blood  (NOTE:  i previously asked you to battle in prayer with me before going to redding but the realization was that jesus already won the battle over death and the victory is His alone). up to that point, i always connected jesus' phrase, "it is finished", with the forgiveness of sins, absolution of guilt, and justification; however, i believe my paradigm has been shifting slightly in that this phrase is beginning to mean more than what i had previously thought - jesus' work on the cross fully reversed the curse of sin which includes the aforementioned but also includes the redemption of our bodies from disease and sickness and when jesus comes back, even death (matthew 8:14-17, isaiah 53:5, romans 5:18).  i'm starting to believe that jesus' blood restores us to what God originally planned from that which sin messed up. do i believe that Holy Spirit physically healed me of my cancer?  yes. jesus' response, "it is finished", was a direct answer to the question of what jesus says about my cancer (isaiah 55:11).  i believe in the power of jesus' blood and the authority inherent to it because if i believe without a doubt that God forgives my sins, anything, including healing of cancer, is possible with God (mark 2:1-12, mark 9:17-26). do i realllllly believe the Holy Spirit healed me of my cancer?  to be honest, for the past few weeks, it has been a constant jumping back and forth from doubt and belief. however, there came a point (more recently) where i had to just take that step of faith and believe it with all my heart (hebrews 11:1).  so, yes, i believe that he has healed me.  whenever doubt creeps in, i have to remind myself of His direct word for me and about His character and about the authority in jesus' blood over death/disease/satan and His great love for me. do i understand why there still is suffering in the world?  regrettably, i don't.  i don't know why things happen the way they do to christian and non-christian alike. these are just the lessons that i believe God is teaching me and i would encourage you all to test the scriptures yourselves to discern if what i am saying is the truth.   however, in the meantime, i will continue to pray for God's kingdom to come on earth and do what i can through the power and authority of the Holy Spirit to usher glimpses of it in (ephesians 6:10-18). i expect to receive some flak for my beliefs (from christian and non-christian) but i will keep my eyes on jesus and move forward in faith. * for those of you who made it all the way to this point with me, i'll now talk about the real meat- unfortunately (for you) i just realized this as i was reviewing my novel-length email (but i'm not going to shorten any of the previous parts cuz they're still important to me).  i have to say that the greatest take away for me (that i believe i will never forget and ironically how i only gave a cursory mention towards...) during this whole cancer journey was concretely knowing how much my savior loves me- this he proved on calvary (a friend of mine warmly suggested that God had connected this thought from my mind to my heart). i listened to a couple of sermons recently and both of them talked about missionaries who were faced with imminent death (of those who survived).  in the moment right before death (or of deepest anguish), they all recount of the sweetest peace that they had with jesus (john piper on john g. paton, francis chan- suffering).  i believe i have tasted this sweetness and i wouldn't trade anything for it, not even a healthy body.  it is priceless- knowing the love of a savior and having a personal relationship with him. a healthy body (and anything else really) is secondary to the knowledge of my savior's love. back to the logistical (boring) stuff: __MRI & UCI (1/25/2011 and 1/31/2011) __ i have some MRIs (for my right leg and pelvic area) scheduled tomorrow morning to confirm that i have been healed.  i should get the report the end of this week. i also have an appointment with a Dr. Bang Hoang, an orthopedic oncologist surgeon at UCI, next monday for an initial consultation to go over my case and probably go over the MRI results. just as an assurance for ya'll- i am currently NOT in any physical pain.  my leg is pretty stiff from the broken femur and 2nd surgery but feeling relatively "normal" aside from the stiffness. __prayer requests __ - that we all experience greater intimacy with our heavenly father, our savior, and the holy spirit - that God will reveal His glory in ways that we have never seen but only heard of faith.hope.love dennis  :)

i claim this psalm as my own (thank you Jesus!)

Psalm 35 NIV
Of David.
   1 Contend, LORD, with those who contend with me; 
   fight against those who fight against me. 
2 Take up shield and armor; 
   arise and come to my aid. 
3 Brandish spear and javelin[a] 
   against those who pursue me. 
Say to me, 
   “I am your salvation.”
   4 May those who seek my life 
   be disgraced and put to shame; 
may those who plot my ruin 
   be turned back in dismay. 
5 May they be like chaff before the wind, 
   with the angel of the LORD driving them away; 
6 may their path be dark and slippery, 
   with the angel of the LORD pursuing them.
   7 Since they hid their net for me without cause 
   and without cause dug a pit for me, 
8 may ruin overtake them by surprise— 
   may the net they hid entangle them, 
   may they fall into the pit, to their ruin. 
9 Then my soul will rejoice in the LORD 
   and delight in his salvation. 
10 My whole being will exclaim, 
   “Who is like you, LORD? 
You rescue the poor from those too strong for them, 
   the poor and needy from those who rob them.”
   11 Ruthless witnesses come forward; 
   they question me on things I know nothing about. 
12 They repay me evil for good 
   and leave me like one bereaved. 
13 Yet when they were ill, I put on sackcloth 
   and humbled myself with fasting. 
When my prayers returned to me unanswered, 
   14 I went about mourning 
   as though for my friend or brother. 
I bowed my head in grief 
   as though weeping for my mother. 
15 But when I stumbled, they gathered in glee; 
   assailants gathered against me without my knowledge. 
   They slandered me without ceasing. 
16 Like the ungodly they maliciously mocked;[b] 
   they gnashed their teeth at me.
   17 How long, Lord, will you look on? 
   Rescue me from their ravages, 
   my precious life from these lions. 
18 I will give you thanks in the great assembly; 
   among the throngs I will praise you. 
19 Do not let those gloat over me 
   who are my enemies without cause; 
do not let those who hate me without reason 
   maliciously wink the eye. 
20 They do not speak peaceably, 
   but devise false accusations 
   against those who live quietly in the land. 
21 They sneer at me and say, “Aha! Aha! 
   With our own eyes we have seen it.”
   22 LORD, you have seen this; do not be silent. 
   Do not be far from me, Lord. 
23 Awake, and rise to my defense! 
   Contend for me, my God and Lord. 
24 Vindicate me in your righteousness, LORD my God; 
   do not let them gloat over me. 
25 Do not let them think, “Aha, just what we wanted!” 
   or say, “We have swallowed him up.”
   26 May all who gloat over my distress 
   be put to shame and confusion; 
may all who exalt themselves over me 
   be clothed with shame and disgrace. 
27 May those who delight in my vindication 
   shout for joy and gladness; 
may they always say, “The LORD be exalted, 
   who delights in the well-being of his servant.”
   28 My tongue will proclaim your righteousness, 
   your praises all day long.

i'm back in OC

just got back in OC.

not 30 minutes after i got back home did i receive a call from MSI (medical financial aid program in OC) with a message that i'm good to go for full treatment at UCI.

interesting timing...

God is good.

hope heaven is like this...

bikin' and fishin'

another bump in the road

fractured my femur near my right knee last week cuz i slipped in the shower.   :(

good times!

life update #19 (quasi-normality)

Dennis Yi	Mon, Oct 4, 2010 at 11:15 PM
hey friends and family wanted to update ya'll as to what's been goin on lately. +++++++++++ physical stuff +++++++++++ finished my radiation treatment almost 2 months ago.  i got zapped with high doses of xrays close to 38 times over an 8 week time span.  as a result, i went through the common slew of symptoms:  fatigue, skin irritation like swelling, blistering, itching, and scabbing - a lot in the nether regions (i might add...).  i can't say i enjoyed the treatment, BUT, i can say it was good getting to know the oncologist and the staff at the office.  good people with unique stories.  :) the peak of the pain and discomfort occurred a few days after the last day of my treatment because the adverse effects of the treatment are delayed (ie.  kinda like how a sunburn burns or is sore after the actual burn).  i haven't experienced much physical pain in my life (few broken bones and 2 surgeries) but i'd say that radiation burn is up there.  Good times!  :O one good thing about the human body, however, is that it is quite resilient (for the most part). so, my skin healed up after a few weeks from the radiation burn and i am currently pain-free.  i still need to regain my leg strength and flexibility but there isn't any pain when i stand or sit down or stretch (i suppose things we take for granted).  i'm thankful to God for designing the human body to heal itself when there is some sort of incurred physical trauma.  as long as the cancer doesn't come back, i should be able to resume most normal physical activities without too much trouble (minus full-contact sports and using thighmasters). there were a few times during the healing process after the radiation had finished when i was rather frank with God and quietly cried out to Him saying, "I didn't want what you allowed to happen."  i didn't necessarily get an answer nor was i expecting one.  i think it was my terse way of saying that the past 9 or so months have been hard.  in the end, He is God and knows what's best for me (and everyone involved) and i was still sincerely thankful for Him always being there for me. as for next steps, i'm scheduled for a PET CT (ie. full-body scan) in mid-November to see if the cancer is still present or not.  we're hoping that it's all zapped and good and gone.   :) ++++++++++ finance stuff ++++++++++ so, as most of you know, i was expecting to have a LOT of medical debt in the near and extended future.  i satirized my financial condition in my last update when i cheerfully welcomed myself into the average US citizen's predicament of debt.  well, as i was getting used to the idea of having debt for the rest of my life, i needed to find out how i was going to pay off this debt and therefore was in communication with the financial group at Stanford to try and get on a 20 year payment plan or something. after playing phone tag with mr. P for a few weeks, we finally were able to connect. if i recall, the conversation occurred a little before my radiation treatment finished.  i don't remember exactly how the conversation went but it went something like this (not kidding): mr. Yi -  "hey mr. P, how's it goin?  sorry we've been playing phone tag.  so, what's the damage?" mr P -  "mr. Yi, after reviewing your financial assistance application and case, we determined that you would be eligible for the 80% discount for services rendered at Stanford hospital for your 2nd surgery and services thereafter." mr. Yi  -  "wha...?" (silence) mr.  P -  "Yesss... you currently have a balance of zero dollars with Stanford Hospital.  We will also be sending you a reimbursement check after we adjust the fees with the new discount. You should be receiving the check in the beginning of september." mr.  Yi  -  (silence) mr. Yi  -  "sooo?............ lemme get this straight.......................... i have zeRO? balance with.. you guys?!  i currently have NOH? balance with you guys?! mr. P -  "yes, mr. Yi, that is correct." mr. Yi  -  "waitwaitwait.........  you're TELLInggg meeEEEEE?! that i don't OWeeEEE?? you guys aaA-NY?! ma-NEY?!!!? mr. P  - "yes, that is correct.  We will also be sending you a check after adjustments are made." mr. Yi -  "waitwaitwait...........  i have ZeerrOO? balancE?  AnnnnNNDDDD? you'll be sending me A CHECK?!??!!! mr. P - "yes, that is correct". mr. Yi -  (silence)      "that's ridiculous!!  uhhhhhhhhhhh,  i totally wasn't expecting this...... uhhhhhhhhhh.   Thank you so much...!" mr. P -  (slight chuckle)   "you are welcome mr. yi." mr. Yi - "wowowowowow.  weird!" mr. P - "is there anything else that i can help you with?" mr. Yi -  "no.  wow!    thank you again!" mr. P  - "you are welcome, you have a nice day!" mr. Yi  - "thanks! you too!" so, as i write this update email, i have zERO balance with Stanford and we actually received the reimbursement check from Stanford already. i thank God for this blessing. one thing that i'd like to share tho, is that, even before this blessing came to me and my family, i had arrived at a place where i was going to praise God no matter what the circumstances.  i think that receiving this blessing didn't make me love God more because He's already demonstrated His love for me by sending His son, jesus, to die for me.  i'm not sure if this makes sense or not.  :P one more thing that i'd like to share which i thought was pretty cool was a simple prayer that i prayed at the beginning of all this medical stuff in my life.  i prayed that there would be enough. well, i haven't calculated the exact costs of all the medical expenses, but, after a rough calculation, everything seems to be taken care of. all the donations from friends and family (thank you!!) combined with the reimbursement check from Stanford have literally taken care of just enough for all my Stanford medical expenses (ie. 1st and 2nd surgeries).  i do think God works in ways we don't understand but in this case, i believe that He DID answer my prayer in that there was enough.  some of the donations and the most recent reimbursement check were used to pay back my uncle and mom most of what they put in to my treatment.  (btw, if you have any questions about the finances, don't hesitate to ask jason or myself because i wanna try to be as transparent as possible with what you all have entrusted me with). ++++++ thanks! ++++++ i wanted to thank everyone for journeying with me these past several months and being generous with your time, prayers, finances, and love for me and my family and julia. i thank God for always being there - in the good times and bad. +++++++++ til next time +++++++++ this'll probably be my last update for at least a couple months.  i'll probably send one after the results of the PET CT just to keep ya'll in the loop. +++++++++++ julia's journey +++++++++++ i asked julia to share her side of the story since she had written about her journey of the past several months. she isn't normally comfortable being so transparent but we both feel that God will be glorified through her story.  plus, her side of the story is from the perspective of those loving and caring for those who are hurting for whatever reason.  perhaps, her story can encourage some of you as you see loves ones going through disease and trials.  (see attached pdf doc - not gonna publish this cuz it's public...). +++++++++++++ prayer requests +++++++++++++ just one last one for now... my buddy jose is going through chemo treatment for a really nasty cancer (mine was a walk in the park compared to his).  please pray for healing of body and soul for him when you can. with love dennis

growin pains

it’s an interesting thing knowing that God will be with you. like, really knowing what that means.

shadrach, meshach, and abnego, (and daniel?) knew that God was with them. however, they didn’t know whether or not Jesus would be there in the fire to literally save them.

the apostles knew that Jesus was with them but they all died as martyrs (jesus didn’t save them from their gruesome deaths).

in both cases, God was with them. their physical lives were eventually taken away, but, jesus saved all of them from eternal death.

i’ve been through the good and bad in life and know that God is with me (a thought that i wish were nailed down in my mind but is usually elusive).

as a result of knowing that God is with me, there is a confidence that is sourced not on my own merit or wisdom (because, for all intensive purposes, i have nothing to be confident about - at least in my mind).

i once remarked to julia that if a husband had a good and completely supportive wife, then he could amount to anything; he could be SUPERMAN.  well, i’m moving further away from that idea and moving towards this (being refined) idea: that i can be who God is making me to be (and be confident in that) because He is with me.

as i progress into the knowledge of knowing that God is with me, my immediate resulting Peter’esque enthusiasm would incline me to believe that i can stop bullets with my bulletproof chest of faith.  however, i realize that this doesn’t mean that God will stop the bullets (He can tho because He’s God).

i feel like a kid sometimes (even as a 30 year old) in things that i do now.  i can imagine me in my cape and climbing the wall to the roof.  i can imagine me thinking that i really am superman and jumping off.  i can imagine me hitting the ground.  my heavenly father (ie. dad) is there to pick me up and wipe the grass off my clothes and bandage me up (or even take me to the hospital).

i’m a kid now and i’m making mistakes. and God is with me.  He’s growing me to be a man (will take some time) and i will make mistakes in the process.  God is with me.   He will grow me to be like jesus where i will reminisce about the mistakes i've gone through.  God is with me.

this is my confidence:  that God is with me in the good and bad;  in cancer and no cancer;  in life and death; in happy times and bad times;  in joy and in depression;  in wealth and in poverty;  in hunger and in pain; and in mistakes and no mistakes.