getting over a depressive bout the past couple days. it wasn’t too fun. depression is a hopeless void that spirals deeper and deeper to it’s victim (for those of you who don’t go through it - as i’m aware that some people actually don’t fall into depression....weird).
i think the trigger was me seeing the old MRI pictures of my right leg and how the cancer basically ravaged at least 1/3 of the diameter of it. it surely isn’t fun when confronted with the disease that is trying to kill you. this cancer is a mountain that i have to face.
to compound it, i have a $95k medical bill. been trying to contact a stanford financial counselor to let him know that it’ll be impossible for me to pay it off. they are still deliberating with docmo because they might be asking him if i could have gotten treatment somewhere else. this medical bill is kinda of a mountain/hill that i have to face.
i’m also continuing in radiation treatment everyday so not only am i reminded of my cancer everyday, i’m getting fried in my leg and groin area. not only is there a chance of me becoming infertile but there is a slight chance that i can get cancer from the radiation treatment itself. here’s a little hill.
i don’t have a job and given the “recession”, i’m not sure how hard it will be to find a job. if i want to have a family, then i will need a job (at least i think in my limited thinking). if i can’t get a job, then it makes me feel less of a man.
with all this, i feel inadequate as a man before julia.
all of this (but not limited to) is the reason for my most recent depression.
at veritas last night, we finished john 10. i think the more i walk in my xtian life, the more i realize that God is in control and has everything in his hands - even before time began, his story was already written out for all of mankind and all of creation. so, why do i need to worry.
in john, it says that jesus is the good shepherd and his sheep hear his voice. they believe because they are his sheep. it doesn’t say that they are his sheep because they believe. ok, therefore, i was predestined to be part of his fold.
in ephesians paul talks about those that that were called and how God justified them and will glorify them. in between justification (ie. being made right) and being light jesus, is sanctification. i suppose that this life with all it’s struggles and trials is a huge fire for sanctification. i must admit, that these past few months, as hard as it’s been, has been the most sanctifying time of my life. still not like jesus tho. :) getting there as the bible states.
why is it that this xtian journey is a tumultuous one? i suppose it’s because God (the potter) is trying to undo all the insidiousness of sin AND the fact that satan, who is veritably caught in a corner, will do anything to lie, cheat, maim, kill, and destroy those God loves.
God, help me to have faith that you are working everything for the good of those who love you according to your purpose.
No comments:
Post a Comment