hope heaven is like this...

bikin' and fishin'

another bump in the road

fractured my femur near my right knee last week cuz i slipped in the shower.   :(

good times!

life update #19 (quasi-normality)

Dennis Yi	Mon, Oct 4, 2010 at 11:15 PM
hey friends and family wanted to update ya'll as to what's been goin on lately. +++++++++++ physical stuff +++++++++++ finished my radiation treatment almost 2 months ago.  i got zapped with high doses of xrays close to 38 times over an 8 week time span.  as a result, i went through the common slew of symptoms:  fatigue, skin irritation like swelling, blistering, itching, and scabbing - a lot in the nether regions (i might add...).  i can't say i enjoyed the treatment, BUT, i can say it was good getting to know the oncologist and the staff at the office.  good people with unique stories.  :) the peak of the pain and discomfort occurred a few days after the last day of my treatment because the adverse effects of the treatment are delayed (ie.  kinda like how a sunburn burns or is sore after the actual burn).  i haven't experienced much physical pain in my life (few broken bones and 2 surgeries) but i'd say that radiation burn is up there.  Good times!  :O one good thing about the human body, however, is that it is quite resilient (for the most part). so, my skin healed up after a few weeks from the radiation burn and i am currently pain-free.  i still need to regain my leg strength and flexibility but there isn't any pain when i stand or sit down or stretch (i suppose things we take for granted).  i'm thankful to God for designing the human body to heal itself when there is some sort of incurred physical trauma.  as long as the cancer doesn't come back, i should be able to resume most normal physical activities without too much trouble (minus full-contact sports and using thighmasters). there were a few times during the healing process after the radiation had finished when i was rather frank with God and quietly cried out to Him saying, "I didn't want what you allowed to happen."  i didn't necessarily get an answer nor was i expecting one.  i think it was my terse way of saying that the past 9 or so months have been hard.  in the end, He is God and knows what's best for me (and everyone involved) and i was still sincerely thankful for Him always being there for me. as for next steps, i'm scheduled for a PET CT (ie. full-body scan) in mid-November to see if the cancer is still present or not.  we're hoping that it's all zapped and good and gone.   :) ++++++++++ finance stuff ++++++++++ so, as most of you know, i was expecting to have a LOT of medical debt in the near and extended future.  i satirized my financial condition in my last update when i cheerfully welcomed myself into the average US citizen's predicament of debt.  well, as i was getting used to the idea of having debt for the rest of my life, i needed to find out how i was going to pay off this debt and therefore was in communication with the financial group at Stanford to try and get on a 20 year payment plan or something. after playing phone tag with mr. P for a few weeks, we finally were able to connect. if i recall, the conversation occurred a little before my radiation treatment finished.  i don't remember exactly how the conversation went but it went something like this (not kidding): mr. Yi -  "hey mr. P, how's it goin?  sorry we've been playing phone tag.  so, what's the damage?" mr P -  "mr. Yi, after reviewing your financial assistance application and case, we determined that you would be eligible for the 80% discount for services rendered at Stanford hospital for your 2nd surgery and services thereafter." mr. Yi  -  "wha...?" (silence) mr.  P -  "Yesss... you currently have a balance of zero dollars with Stanford Hospital.  We will also be sending you a reimbursement check after we adjust the fees with the new discount. You should be receiving the check in the beginning of september." mr.  Yi  -  (silence) mr. Yi  -  "sooo?............ lemme get this straight.......................... i have zeRO? balance with.. you guys?!  i currently have NOH? balance with you guys?! mr. P -  "yes, mr. Yi, that is correct." mr. Yi  -  "waitwaitwait.........  you're TELLInggg meeEEEEE?! that i don't OWeeEEE?? you guys aaA-NY?! ma-NEY?!!!? mr. P  - "yes, that is correct.  We will also be sending you a check after adjustments are made." mr. Yi -  "waitwaitwait...........  i have ZeerrOO? balancE?  AnnnnNNDDDD? you'll be sending me A CHECK?!??!!! mr. P - "yes, that is correct". mr. Yi -  (silence)      "that's ridiculous!!  uhhhhhhhhhhh,  i totally wasn't expecting this...... uhhhhhhhhhh.   Thank you so much...!" mr. P -  (slight chuckle)   "you are welcome mr. yi." mr. Yi - "wowowowowow.  weird!" mr. P - "is there anything else that i can help you with?" mr. Yi -  "no.  wow!    thank you again!" mr. P  - "you are welcome, you have a nice day!" mr. Yi  - "thanks! you too!" so, as i write this update email, i have zERO balance with Stanford and we actually received the reimbursement check from Stanford already. i thank God for this blessing. one thing that i'd like to share tho, is that, even before this blessing came to me and my family, i had arrived at a place where i was going to praise God no matter what the circumstances.  i think that receiving this blessing didn't make me love God more because He's already demonstrated His love for me by sending His son, jesus, to die for me.  i'm not sure if this makes sense or not.  :P one more thing that i'd like to share which i thought was pretty cool was a simple prayer that i prayed at the beginning of all this medical stuff in my life.  i prayed that there would be enough. well, i haven't calculated the exact costs of all the medical expenses, but, after a rough calculation, everything seems to be taken care of. all the donations from friends and family (thank you!!) combined with the reimbursement check from Stanford have literally taken care of just enough for all my Stanford medical expenses (ie. 1st and 2nd surgeries).  i do think God works in ways we don't understand but in this case, i believe that He DID answer my prayer in that there was enough.  some of the donations and the most recent reimbursement check were used to pay back my uncle and mom most of what they put in to my treatment.  (btw, if you have any questions about the finances, don't hesitate to ask jason or myself because i wanna try to be as transparent as possible with what you all have entrusted me with). ++++++ thanks! ++++++ i wanted to thank everyone for journeying with me these past several months and being generous with your time, prayers, finances, and love for me and my family and julia. i thank God for always being there - in the good times and bad. +++++++++ til next time +++++++++ this'll probably be my last update for at least a couple months.  i'll probably send one after the results of the PET CT just to keep ya'll in the loop. +++++++++++ julia's journey +++++++++++ i asked julia to share her side of the story since she had written about her journey of the past several months. she isn't normally comfortable being so transparent but we both feel that God will be glorified through her story.  plus, her side of the story is from the perspective of those loving and caring for those who are hurting for whatever reason.  perhaps, her story can encourage some of you as you see loves ones going through disease and trials.  (see attached pdf doc - not gonna publish this cuz it's public...). +++++++++++++ prayer requests +++++++++++++ just one last one for now... my buddy jose is going through chemo treatment for a really nasty cancer (mine was a walk in the park compared to his).  please pray for healing of body and soul for him when you can. with love dennis

growin pains

it’s an interesting thing knowing that God will be with you. like, really knowing what that means.

shadrach, meshach, and abnego, (and daniel?) knew that God was with them. however, they didn’t know whether or not Jesus would be there in the fire to literally save them.

the apostles knew that Jesus was with them but they all died as martyrs (jesus didn’t save them from their gruesome deaths).

in both cases, God was with them. their physical lives were eventually taken away, but, jesus saved all of them from eternal death.

i’ve been through the good and bad in life and know that God is with me (a thought that i wish were nailed down in my mind but is usually elusive).

as a result of knowing that God is with me, there is a confidence that is sourced not on my own merit or wisdom (because, for all intensive purposes, i have nothing to be confident about - at least in my mind).

i once remarked to julia that if a husband had a good and completely supportive wife, then he could amount to anything; he could be SUPERMAN.  well, i’m moving further away from that idea and moving towards this (being refined) idea: that i can be who God is making me to be (and be confident in that) because He is with me.

as i progress into the knowledge of knowing that God is with me, my immediate resulting Peter’esque enthusiasm would incline me to believe that i can stop bullets with my bulletproof chest of faith.  however, i realize that this doesn’t mean that God will stop the bullets (He can tho because He’s God).

i feel like a kid sometimes (even as a 30 year old) in things that i do now.  i can imagine me in my cape and climbing the wall to the roof.  i can imagine me thinking that i really am superman and jumping off.  i can imagine me hitting the ground.  my heavenly father (ie. dad) is there to pick me up and wipe the grass off my clothes and bandage me up (or even take me to the hospital).

i’m a kid now and i’m making mistakes. and God is with me.  He’s growing me to be a man (will take some time) and i will make mistakes in the process.  God is with me.   He will grow me to be like jesus where i will reminisce about the mistakes i've gone through.  God is with me.

this is my confidence:  that God is with me in the good and bad;  in cancer and no cancer;  in life and death; in happy times and bad times;  in joy and in depression;  in wealth and in poverty;  in hunger and in pain; and in mistakes and no mistakes.

life update #18 (mah butt's on fire!)

Dennis Yi	Mon, Aug 2, 2010 at 10:55 PM
hi hi! long time no update.  been chugging along over here.  :P ++++++++++++ physical status ++++++++++++ i've been going through radiation treatment and i'm on my 6th week or so.  i think i have 6 days left.  the treatment has started to take its toll on me as i am a little fatigued physically and mentally nowadays but i can do most things that i need to do - just at a much slower pace and with a lot less energy.  :P the areas that are getting zapped are also getting a little raw - like the scar area along my inner thigh and as collateral damage, the hole in my gluteous maximus and mah right butt cheek.  :O  i have to put aloe vera in these areas every few hours.  the rawness is like getting a bad sunburn - you can imagine the skin becoming irritated, itchy, and sore.  good times.  :) i'm almost walking normally but no marathons in the near future  (thank God!). +++++++++ general life +++++++++ it's been really good spending time at home with my mom and brother.  i think it's the first time that i've specifically observed where we, as a family, can be ourselves and not fear when my dad would get upset.  i dunno how to say that without making my late father look "bad" because his intentions were usually good, just his personality lent itself to anger.  it's a blessing to not have any fear in any family i think. i'm getting back to playing drums on occasion at the bible study at my local church.  i truly love music and my heart is to worship God and i do want to use what skills God has blessed me with to bless others. started driving a few days ago.  i have a little more freedom now since i can drive.  :) by God's grace, julia and i are doing well in our relationship.  i think we've been trying to keep Christ at the center of our relationship instead of the circumstances and ourselves (although difficult at times because the circumstances are seemingly BIG and our (if not just my) selfish desires are veritably BIGGER). +++++++ finances +++++++ still have an existing stanford balance that needs to be paid off (eventually). stanford is still deliberating on their end to see if they can assist in any way or get me on a payment plan or something.  :O  not too worried about this too much cuz i know God will provide somehow and plus, i can join the ranks of millions? of americans who already have debt.  yay debt! +++++++++++++ immediate future +++++++++++++ looking into trying to finish my masters in electrical engineering this fall starting at the end of august and if i can cram enough, i might be able to get my degree by this december.  we'll see how that pans out since i was actually trying to finish my masters this past spring semester when i was diagnosed with the sarcomas.  i hope i don't get thrown another curve ball. so, after radiation treatment is finished, i'll eventually have to do another ctscan or mri or other diagnostic test to see if the cancer is all gone or has come back.  God-willing, hopefully all of it will be zapped.  :P +++++ thanks +++++ i thank God for getting us through thus far thanks everyone for your love and prayers and support! ++++++++++++ prayer request ++++++++++++ that God would minimize the burning and discomfort that God would zap all the cancer that God would be glorified in the end with love dennis

random thoughts

getting over a depressive bout the past couple days.  it wasn’t too fun.  depression is a hopeless void that spirals deeper and deeper to it’s victim (for those of you who don’t go through it - as i’m aware that some people actually don’t fall into depression....weird).

i think the trigger was me seeing the old MRI pictures of my right leg and how the cancer basically ravaged at least 1/3 of the diameter of it.  it surely isn’t fun when confronted with the disease that is trying to kill you.  this cancer is a mountain that i have to face.

to compound it, i have a $95k medical bill. been trying to contact a stanford financial counselor to let him know that it’ll be impossible for me to pay it off.  they are still deliberating with docmo because they might be asking him if i could have gotten treatment somewhere else.  this medical bill is kinda of a mountain/hill that i have to face.

i’m also continuing in radiation treatment everyday so not only am i reminded of my cancer everyday, i’m getting fried in my leg and groin area.  not only is there a chance of me becoming infertile but there is a slight chance that i can get cancer from the radiation treatment itself. here’s a little hill.

i don’t have a job and given the “recession”, i’m not sure how hard it will be to find a job. if i want to have a family, then i will need a job (at least i think in my limited thinking).  if i can’t get a job, then it makes me feel less of a man.

with all this, i feel inadequate as a man before julia.

all of this (but not limited to) is the reason for my most recent depression.

at veritas last night, we finished john 10.  i think the more i walk in my xtian life, the more i realize that God is in control and has everything in his hands - even before time began, his story was already written out for all of mankind and all of creation.  so, why do i need to worry.

in john, it says that jesus is the good shepherd and his sheep hear his voice.  they believe because they are his sheep.  it doesn’t say that they are his sheep because they believe.  ok, therefore, i was predestined to be part of his fold.

in ephesians paul talks about those that that were called and how God justified them and will glorify them.  in between justification (ie. being made right) and being light jesus, is sanctification.  i suppose that this life with all it’s struggles and trials is a huge fire for sanctification.  i must admit, that these past few months, as hard as it’s been, has been the most sanctifying time of my life.  still not like jesus tho.  :)  getting there as the bible states.

why is it that this xtian journey is a tumultuous one?  i suppose it’s because God (the potter) is trying to undo all the insidiousness of sin AND the fact that satan, who is veritably caught in a corner, will do anything to lie, cheat, maim, kill, and destroy those God loves.

God, help me to have faith that you are working everything for the good of those who love you according to your purpose.

3% done with radiation treatment

started my radiation therapy today.

only last 25 minutes or so.  not looking forward to 6-7 more weeks of this but gotta zap the cancer away (along with healthy tissue/bone).

i know that God is with me.  like, He showed me something that i would know was from Him.  it's really comforting to know that He is with me.

may He be given all the glory!